handling total failure

If I look back at my failure I can clearly see that something in the way I digest that information has changed over the years.

In the beginning failure, for me, was total destruction, surrender, a condition I couldn’t escape.

When I remember one of my work-failures I can remember how it made me feel, how my stomach grasped for air, how I felt powerless, useless, utterly trash.

Thanks to growing up, meditation, and a lot of introspection and work now that doesn’t happen anymore, but there are some similarities.
There are times when I feel like I’m not at the level of my competitor, that they are crushing me.

Or where I feel I got too much at stake and I should simply give up.
Giving up is my default answer to pain and depression. It’s my symptom that a hidden area of my brain wants to take control of what I built over many years.

But those times, the one I don’t feel at ease, are now a moment for me to pause and think about the distances.
The distance in term of skills, of knowledge, of preparation.

What could I do better? How could I prepare better? How could’ve know the missing piece of information I needed?

When you want to stack up against the best, you’ll fail. That’s part of the plan, because if you were already the best, why even bother competing?

That failure is much different now from years ago and maybe it’s all because now it’s not “my failure” as in “The Human I am”, but now it’s always correctly framed as a failure in missing skills or preparation.

It’s a learning path, while years ago it was a roadblock.

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