you will always learn from life after living it

I often go back to a specific memory of my teenage years.

I was in love with this girl, I went to her parent’s holidays house in august. It was in Ostuni, Puglia, Italy.

I was 18-21/yo don’t remember the age. Yet I was inexperienced in any kind of relationship, love or not.
I loved her at that time, and I remember once we had to go to a birthday of a cousin.

I was ok with it, but didn’t know what to expect.
I dressed up the best I could and we went to this birthday. I didn’t knew a single person aside from my girlfriend of that time.

I didn’t know how to act with these people. I was a introverd, quite nerd, focused on japanese Anime and Manga and they seemed different.

To make it more difficult there’s the story of his cousin.
He lost his soon to be wife couple of years ago. She died while driving to get back to him to take him home.
He then started following a religious cult in italy, who knows if it was because of the death. 
Surely it must have been part of the reasons behind it.

That story made me struggle even more.
I don’t have precise memories of that day, although even retaining it is a big success for me, but looking back now I would act differently.

Maybe I’d be less fearful of the situation and enjoy it a little bit more.

Maybe I’d choose to stay by myself and live happily with the fact that we’re not all the same, who knows.

The thing is: you learn after living.
The first time you face a new situation you’re lost, you improvise and often improvise badly. But then you learn, you start understanding the rules of the game, what matters, what doesn’t.
You start understanding that afterall people don’t care about you, and even if they do, they often close an eye for it.

It’s not important to have a specific behaviour unless you’re an idiot.
What’s important is to live, be there, go with the flow be authentic and not being drowned by the fears.

That is enough to make a good impression. You might not shine, but you won’t suck either.
And I couldn’t learn this without going through it because I would then try to fake my authenticy, I would try to conform into the rules, to merge myself into the background.

We are part of the painting, and whatever we do, as long as it’s sound, will be part of the painting in a coherent way.

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