Category: Blog

Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a nice way to exit a conversation? Or to have a safe option in case everything goes wrong?

I guess we all love this opportunity. The chance to simply get out of a trip you weren’t supposed to embark upon.

When we confront with people, we tend to give them only the options we like, trapping them into a maze where either you do what we want, or everything goes back.

It makes us feel in control, with much more power than what we deserve.
What would happen if we could give them a chance to get out with no pressure?
What choices would they make if we don’t put them under stress?

We’re not always closing a deal, and even if we do, giving the opportunity to back out is great because it allows people to have more vision, to see clearly what’s happening.
Truth is, we might do it to hide the issues with our proposal.

Think about it: If you’re offering them something that’s truly unique, why would they refuse?
If they do, it’s because you’re selling them something they don’t either want or understand.

In both cases, it’s your fault.
Yes, the pressure might close the deal, get them on your side, accept your offer (even a non marketing offer, we might talk about friendship, relationships, a raise).

But if you’d give them a way out and do your best, what would be the outcome?

Small or big change? What are you after?

If you’re after a big change, you should prepare yourself.
Not only technically, but emotionally, because you’ll fail. A lot.

Think about learning to negotiate. Do you think you’ll get it right away? No.
If you feel like learning it, then it’s because you’re not good at negotiating. Which means that you’ll need to do a lot of negotiations.

And many, if not all, will fail.
You will fail, again and again, and again.

You will fail beyond any imagination if the change you’re seeking is bigger than what you ever dreamed of.

You’ll fail in each part of the process, in each part of learning. Because big changes don’t happer overnight. They build up slowly.
Hidden in each failure there’s a golden nugget you can take home. A small rock to build a solid house.
Yet, you won’t see that house until some time passes, months, years who knows.

Be prepared. Emotionally.

Imagine this:
Group chat, created on facebook to share photos of my family to some distant relative.
Starts easy on a christmas day, but soon began a place to share “PLEASE SHARE THIS, PLEASE SHARE THAT: HELP THIS CAT, HELP THIS DOG”.

What social media got right was selling an illusion. The illusion to be heard, the illusion of success, the illusion of valuing people by a number, the number of friends.

The sad illusion that more friends equals more power, and more power equals: you can help me.

And here comes the sad truth: If we were to act upon every single help request we’d stop living our life. That’s why in real life things like this happen on a smaller scale. 
Because we all had that friend that calls you only to ask for a favor. 

But on the internet? “That Friend” are many more.

Few days ago a dear friend of mine told me that she eventually resolved an issue with her husband. They didn’t get along one topic and this was causing them some issues.

They’ve known each others for 7 years, so it was hard, but not impossible.

Then she told me “Now the hard part will be discussing with my mother”.
And she was right.

Because when we build a relation for such a long time we build it on common ground. But while time passes, we add some extra building blocks. Some good, some bad.
The bad ones are things like trust, prejudice, etc.

Things you accumulate over the years and that define the relationship in both ways.

That’s why it’s harder. You have to dismantle, on both sides, 40 years of building blocks.

You might be fooled into thinking that easy questions are the way to go.

Few days ago I wrote to an acquaintance a question about gender discrimination at work. I wrote moved by an impulse, so the question was very emotional yet easy to grasp.

He replied to me, with a kindness unique to his position, and clearly showed me that I didn’t do my homework, the question was wrong.

But what it means to do your homework before asking a question? Well, that’s the difference between a good question and a bad question.

A good questions takes into considerations the aspects of the problem and narrows it down so it’s aiming at a specific topic in a specific context.

A bad question is extremely broad, clear in terms of expression, but too complex in terms of answers.
My bad question was along the lines of “What can we do to help her?”

Which, as you might guess, opens up a series of parallel universe only do reduce the amount of topics.
Where does she come from? What was the power status between her and her boss? etc etc etc.

That was the homework I didn’t do.
Asking broad questions implies that only the person that answer it should do the homework. But she can’t because with such broad question you can hardly get a great answer.

To get great answers, you need great questions.

Some extra examples:
Bad: “How do I make money?”
Good: “I want to do some extra money on the side. I can spend 1 hour a day to work on a project and I feel like I can get some extra customers in design projects. My problem is: I don’t know how to reach them. What are the options to find new connections and propose my design services to people online?”

The good question could even be refined more, but you get the difference.